Three
by DieZivaDie
Summary: Wherein Palmer tells tales, Ducky tells a tale and someone goes for a Very Big Fall. Pure crack. Consider the source and enter at your own peril.


Leroy Jethro Gibbs held his coffee securely to his chest as he peered down the steep ravine. His team had been called to the parkway which ran through Rock Creek Park just as they were preparing to leave for the long weekend. Looking at the three dour figures irritably collecting their equipment from the truck, the Marine was glad he had opted to take the Charger and leave Tony in charge of them.

Behind him, the Medical Examiner's van pulled up with a soft whistle to the brakes. He could readily hear a noisy exchange about directions as Jimmy and Ducky disembarked and sorted through the cargo area of the coroner's van. He briefly wondered if one of those GPF things McGee kept using would help but dismissed it, considering Ducky didn't even have a PDK.

"Whadda we got, Boss?" Tony inquired curiously as he came up alongside and peeked past Gibbs' right shoulder.

Metallic green paint traced the twist in the guardrail alongside him, the ends of which pointed down towards the wreck below where a late model SUV lay, wheels up, in the underbrush.

"The skid marks back there are consistent with speeding," Tony reported. "I didn't see any signs of other recent tracks. Maybe we can tie this one up quickly," he added hopefully.

"Got plans I need to know about, DiNozzo?"

With a quick glance at his approaching probies, Tony shook his head noncommittally. "Nothing much, Boss. Just a date with Coltrane." He smiled softly as he imagined lounging back in his sanctuary with a drink in one hand, a book in the other, and not a care in the world ever since Gibbs installed the wrought iron hangers for the bar he could place across his door once he was home. Ziva had yet to figure out how to get past it and Tony had learned so much Hebrew profanity since its installation, he considered it a double win. Blinking free of the image, he grinned at his boss before Gibbs' hand reached its apex. "Timmy will sketch, Probette will collect evidence, and I'll shoot, once I figure out how to get down there."

"Time of death would be about 2 hours ago, Jethro!" drifted up from the bottom of the gulch.

Tony's head snapped around in disbelief as Jimmy walked by, balancing a basket atop the gurney as he fed a winch cable out behind himself. "How did he get down there, Gremlin?"

"Doctor Mallard has really benefited from cardio rehab," Jimmy stated matter-of-factly. He looked down the ravine with a visible gulp. "I'm thinking of taking it up myself."

"Starting to let yourself go since you sealed the deal with Breena?"

Jimmy's ears pinked. "Breena's been getting on me about it ever since she had coffee with Doctor Hampton. Apparently, there have been more than a few benefits. Let's just say, he's been making "house calls" _several times_ a day."

Gibbs and DiNozzo exchanged an incredulous look and then regarded the older man at the bottom of the ravine with renewed respect.

"Here's your camera, Tony. I put the new battery in for you," Tim offered as he and Ziva came alongside. "The lens is on, but I think you're going to need to requisition a new one soon. It's got a chip on the housing; that's why you couldn't get it to line up correctly." Tim fiddled with the camera some more, repeatedly clicking the shutter.

At the sound of the shutter and strobe of the flash, Ziva compulsively jumped to drape herself around Tony like an octopus capturing its prey. With a tilt to her head, a hand on her hip, a thrust of her chest and her knee turned just-so, she stomped her right foot to plant it in position. The ground crumbled underneath her.

Ziva tottered clumsily before the ravine edge gave way. The next thing she knew, the world was rushing past like a strung-out kaleidoscope.

Tony never saw what was coming. By the time the two agents landed at Ducky's feet at the bottom of the ravine, blood was everywhere.

"Oh, my," the elderly medical examiner muttered under his breath. He carefully stooped to check pulses, gratefully noticing a strong pulse as Tony groaned in pain. "Easy, Anthony," he advised as he gently rolled the younger man free from his partner.

"Is Ziva okay?" Tony croaked. "If she is, I'm gonna kill the crazy bitch."

Ducky tsked, "Oh, no. You can save yourself the trouble. She is quite dead." He grimaced. "I do not understand why she felt the need to keep so many knives on her person. They have literally cut her to ribbons! It will take me all evening to sort out which was the fatal blow. Jordan shall be quite upset!"

Tony's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "She liked Ziva?"

"Of course not, Anthony! We have a seating at 9 I'll have to cancel. We'll have to go directly to dessert when I get home." Ducky's sigh sounded suspiciously erotic to the agent.

The two men considered the bloody mess which was once a Mossad assassin. "This reminds me of a…'

'..movie," Tony finished.

'..story," Ducky finished.

They faced each other with a pleased grin.

"Edward Scissorhands! Only after he patted his head and rubbed his stomach while drunk." Tony demonstrated clumsily. He dizzily teetered sideways before the medical examiner urgently shored him up. "What does it remind you of, Ducky?" he asked as he regained his seat.

"Benjamin Dover."

Tony snickered. Off Ducky's smug expression, the agent exclaimed, "Seriously? That was his name? Ben Dover?"

"Yes, dear old Benny. He insisted we call him Benjamin, however. Quite an unfortunate name, no matter how formal he tried to be. I suppose that is why I insist upon using full names at times even now," Ducky chuckled. "He was an automobile mechanic in our village; I learned quite a bit from him, actually. One day a pilot made an emergency landing in a nearby field. There were sheep carcasses everywhere! I never thought I would tire of mutton as a lad but that was nearly the end of my love affair with the tasty beast. We had it morning, noon, and night until it was gone. Waste not; want not, don't you know?!"

Off Tony's nod, Ducky continued, "With no airplane mechanics nearby, Benjamin was pressed into service. He was doing quite well until he told the pilot to give the engine a try, forgetting he was leaning against the prop at the time." Pulling off his glasses to polish them for effect while Tony grimaced at the mental image, Ducky slipped them back onto his nose with a twinkle in his eye. "It was the first time I saw human entrails. I was fascinated! It is probably one reason I chose to pursue the medical arts. As a matter of fact, I can not look at a hose reel without thinking of him to this very day!" He shook his head bemusedly with a chuckle.

Now, Tony remembered why Gibbs usually didn't let Ducky complete his stories.

"DiNozzo! Did you two bozos foul my crime scene with your screwing around?" Gibbs demanded as he stormed down the last few feet of incline.

Tony grinned goofily. "Absolutely not, Boss! We might need to exclude a little of Ziva's blood, but we're good!"

Giving the crimson pile on the ground a wide berth, Gibbs grabbed Tony's chin to examine him for himself now that he had reached them. "You okay, Dinozzo?"

"Yes, Boss. A little shaken, not stirred. Just a few bruises, but not a hair on my head was actually harmed," Tony proclaimed.

"Well, I wouldn't say that, Tony," Gibbs grinned evilly. He critically eyed a spot next to Tony's ear.

"Boss," Tony whined as his hand brushed against the bald spot on his temple. "My hair!"

"Looks good, DiNozzo," Gibbs nodded in approval. "Ya just need to get the other side as high and tight and we'll make a Marine outta ya yet!"

Tony scowled in outrage at Gibbs' insensitivity. He had worked hard to get his unruly hair to spike just right! It would take months to fill in the spot!

..which would be much harder than filling the seat across from him.


End file.
